Broken Heart Remedies

I wonder if the remedy to an aching heart, one broken by disappointment or grief, is to allow our creativity to flow. Often, we close our hearts to protect ourselves from further pain – but are we cutting off our life force when we do? How can we tenderly care for ourselves while continuing to participate in this one precious life?

It seems as though one of the most important aspects of open heartedness is expressing our creativity, even if it’s only within the boundaries of our own sacred spaces and for only our eyes or ears. I had a high school art teacher, Marsha Guffey, who inspired me and encouraged me to create. This same art teacher hung a poster in her room of a college in the mountains. The poster, likely designed by art students at the school, [CSU] had various heights of green pine trees, with the outline of the mountains behind them. I grew up on the flatlands of central Iowa. The poster opened a new world to me, created a place of magic. I had visions of anything is possible. My teenage broken heart began to heal.

My parents were hopeful that I would attend Drake University. Approximately 47 years before this time, they had both achieved degrees there. Drake was less than 20 miles from our home. Those pines on that poster, and the mountains that held them, called to me. I felt a strong pull, a sense of aliveness was awakening in me. I assembled a portfolio of my high school art projects and applied to Colorado State University in Fort Collins, Colorado. I was accepted into the art department and left home full of hopefulness. I campaigned and got elected president of the only all-female dorm on campus. My dorm floor was comprised of art students. I joined the Block and Bridle Club, traveled with the livestock judging team, took steel guitar lessons, participated in the Wednesday Night Club, (swing dancing) and worked with a local jeweler who helped me create a turquoise and silver bracelet and a most exquisite silver belt buckle with a coral Hereford calf. I rigorously studied my toughest class - art history - and took my drawing class very seriously. This self-conscious shy farm girl was having the time of her life, [mostly off campus] in full expression for the first time in a very long time.

My first quarter grades were very poor. Partly because in high school I got very good grades without trying; what little study skills I had took a back seat to my blooming social skills. I appealed my D grade to my drawing instructor. The memory is vivid; I confidently stepped into the classroom with a well-rehearsed plea. "When this class began you said you would grade based on attitude and improvement. I have an eager-to -learn attitude and you have to agree there is no one in this class who has improved more than I.”

“Yes,” he replied. “That is why I gave you a D.”

I allowed that comment to mean so many things about me and my future. Looking back now, I can see that I closed off my heart and quickly prepared to keep it safe. I immediately switched my major to Animal Science. Science is defined, rigid, solid, predictable, safe, more in line with who I am, I told myself. After two years at CSU, I transferred to Iowa State. At that time, fifty percent of the AnSci Department at CSU was comprised of women students, at ISU, I was one of ten percent. At CSU, AnSci students were ranchers, at ISU mostly they were pre-vet students. I pretended to fit in. I was wounded and heartbroken but wouldn’t admit it – even to myself. My credits all transferred but my poor grades did not. I had a fresh start on a new path. My well-meaning ISU advisor suggested I minor in Ag Finance and prepare myself for a career in the stability of finance. No one asked me what my passion was, what enlivened me. I relinquished the authority of my life choices to someone outside of myself and abandoned that calling inside of me.

In the interim, I had a couple of marriages, three precious sons, and a profession in finance. I satisfactorily performed my duties, made the best of my situations and was quite happy on the surface – all while suppressing the call of the mountains, creative expression and especially my inner wisdom. During this time, I searched sagacity, read books, attended retreats, enrolled in courses and many self-improvement programs. All while keeping my heart safely wrapped in an iron cage.

On 02/02/2020 I declared retirement from looking outside of myself and turned within for the wisdom I was seeking. The pandemic hit shortly after which provided the ideal situation for looking deeply into the mirror without distraction. I lived alone. I worked my finance job remotely; the majority of my spare time was devoted to mediation and silence. The only creative act was writing. I self-published a collection of stories from my past, closing that chapter and stepping into a new future. I discovered living alone allowed me to dream again. I began to be comfortable being me. I began to notice bits of ease flowing into my life as tasks became easier, more delightful.

In her book, Church of the Wild, Victoria Loorz, says there comes a point when you need to withdraw from what has become too familiar in order to see again.

I am starting fresh with a clean slate, as I did 48 years ago when I left CSU. The difference this time is now I am in the process of letting go of all the lies about me that I carried all those years. My experiences have transferred with me into this new chapter, but I am leaving the judgements behind. Who do I want to create myself to be? Can I dance or draw myself into a picture of health and happiness? Can I sing and play myself into a loving collaborator with Mother Nature and my fellow humans? Maybe self-expression is for me alone, at this point of transition, claiming my own authority over my life experiences privately. Since it is my life, I am filling myself up with the truths that remained hidden under those lies.

4 lies that have lingered a long time inside my psyche that I am now letting go:

1. I have to earn love by giving myself to others; I am not lovable just because I am. I need a man to complete me and to travel this journey with me.

2. I possess no artistic talent, can’t draw, not enough natural creative juices to create.

3. I lack musical ability, can’t read music, can’t carry a tune, can’t pick up instruction to play an instrument.

4. Can’t dance, can’t hear the rhythm, can’t feel the rhythm, can’t keep the beat.

5 truths that have always lived inside of me but that I am now remembering and claiming now:

1. I am a self-healer; I have the power within me to call forth perfect health. Any symptoms of ill health are only messengers of a lesson for me to integrate.

2. I am one with Nature. I live in an appreciative reciprocal relationship of giving and receiving with Nature. I honor, welcome, love and celebrate my humanness and my sacredness.

3. I am a loving creative super-power as evidenced by three magnificent human men I conceived and who are now beautifully creating their own lives.

4. I am the love of my life! I am safe, happy, and healthy within my body. I am in the process of attracting the perfect man who makes me feel feminine and adored. Our higher selves are collaborating on our mutual attraction and inevitable meeting.

5. I am a here to help bring about equality – my perceived judgments are only alerts to keep me aware and attentive.

It’s all a practice. Equally important in being creative is being patiently compassionate, especially with ourselves. When I compare my creations to that college instructor’s standards, I shut down. Writing instructors encourage beginning writers to write an ugly first draft - head down, begin – then let it flow. Let the creativity gush forth! The largest obstacle to my creativity is my mind telling me I’m not good enough. The best remedy to overcoming my desire to be perfect is just BEGIN, then claim it as mine! It’s good enough! Edits can come later.

Please share your thoughts – Are you expressing your creativity? What is holding you back? Maybe you never stopped. Please share how you think your life might have been different if you had. Are you ready to open your heart to make a commitment to allow your inner creativity to flow? What benefits do you believe there are in being creative?