Conversations

Recently, I was hesitant to discuss an important detail with a good friend of mine. So much so that my resistance was blocking the flow of healthy energy in me. My fear of hurting her feelings or her getting upset with me overshadowed my deeper desire to be intimately open and honest with her. It seemed as though I did not trust her to know I have our relationship’s best interest at heart, no matter what I say or do. That fear caused me to temporarily forget that our adoration for one another, although it can be bruised, can never be broken. Another friend who was keenly aware of this struggle going on inside of me suggested I merely have a conversation with her. That recommendation opened new insight for me. Suddenly, it wasn’t about me.

I remembered that:

· I don’t know how she will react

· I don’t have any desire to push her into doing what I want

· I don’t have a particular desired outcome

· I respect her enough to trust her to be truthful with me

· I love her enough to be vulnerable with her

· I honor how much she cares about me

This helped me embrace the possibility of being open to dance in a conversation – to see if we can come to an agreement that is beneficial for both of us.

Although it took courage and I tried to be respectful and as kind as I knew how (a fair amount of my concern was still evident) I eased into a conversation. I guess I really shouldn’t have been surprised that it went so smoothly, that it was simply a conversation, not a big deal. I had caused myself so much angst over unsplit milk that it prevented me from simply dwelling in each moment.

About 10 days later, I was having a delightful time with that same friend; I don’t even remember what we were talking about, something very general as I recall. Suddenly she shocked me with a question. “Are you afraid to talk to people?” It was a pivotable moment in my understanding of who I am.

In my old way of being, I would have had to honestly answer, “yes.” However, I am committed to living openheartedly, a life full of adventure – therefore I am becoming a stand for intimate conversations among friends, soft sharing conversations among those with different opinions from mine, celebratory conversations when someone has challenged themselves to grow, and a variety of other conversations to assist me in becoming more humane. Even when I am afraid.

Yes, when I was so concerned over what other people thought of me, when I had to earn my living on people being comfortable working with me, when I put others’ concerns (my perceived thought of their concerns) over my own – I was afraid to talk to people. When I went to Norway, I wanted to adopt their behavior of minding my own business and trusting others to do the same. Then when asked, I will offer my opinion. But in the interim, I can respectfully and thoughtfully and intentionally and kindly be in conversation, without agenda.

The funny thing is, the more I allow myself to be as I am, the more I love myself, the less I judge other people. Through this evolution I am discovering an ease in just having a conversation. Once in conversation, I have discovered I am enlivened with a certain delight that I can’t achieve in any other way.

“People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” Lyrics by Bob Merrill, sung by Barbra Streisand.