Crowded Table

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPfI8zBWub4 Crowded Table by Highwomen

Equilibrium Part 2 - August 22, 2023

Just when I feel so strong, so grounded, quite balanced, something often happens that throws me off center. Or is it that it wakes me up? Maybe the awakening is the answer to my longing.

I got some good coaching today in solving a problem I have with some people I leant money to. My daughter-in-law coach could see I was wrought with confusion, despair, and sadness. She outlined a three step process for me to address my dilemma. First, before proceeding further, she suggested I work through my emotions, all of them. Then, and only after all those many different emotions didn’t weigh quite so heavy, was I to proceed to step two.

Step 2 was to decide that if the current situation (they not paying me back as agreed, sporadically and with little or no communication about their intentions) is currently as good as its ever going to get, what am I willing to do about it? How much am I willing to forgive or to assist with the current situation? I can see that a decision like that is going to take clear thinking, proper analysis and I understand why I need to be sure my emotions are no longer jerking me around.

Then, Step 3, after I am clear and grounded in what I need, I communicate that to the other party. I immediately set up the expectation that a conversation was going to be imminent. I sent a text message, which in my experience is the most direct form of contact for this party.

That was 9:00 o’clock AM. I spent most of the remainder of the day welcoming my emotions. Each one that knocked on my door was welcomed in and offered a seat at the table.

The first one to arrive was Anger. I have migrated from refusing to acknowledge anger to saying I’m slow to anger. I welcomed anger in and listened patiently as she ranted and laid out proper justification for herself. I even took notes. Oh my, she went on and on and on. Anger opened the door for feelings of Disrespect, Impatience, Aggravation, and Frustration. I welcomed them all, quiet new for me. I traditionally slammed the door on these unwanted aspects of myself; I'd far rather silence them, afraid they'd make me ugly and undesirable. Instead, I honored their place at the table and allowed them to freely express and be seen. They quickly became peaceful and civil.

Then Stupidity knocked, we welcomed her as she took a seat a the table. She hung her head and asked how, if I claim to be so alert and aware, did I let this situation get so far out of hand? I have stated so many times that I don’t want to be over involved, live my own life, yet I continue to ‘hook in’ and keep myself intwined by ignoring this situation and all the flashing red warning signs. That was a hard one for this person who says she relies on Intelligence. Shame snuck in the door without knocking, Guilt and Insecurity both slid in along side Shame. I welcomed each one of them as invited guests at the table. They sat down and spoke up. I listened.

For all I say I am, for all I say I’ve learned, for all I say I want to be, the feeling of Inauthenticity came pounding on the door to be let in. I think I might have been overwhelmed by then but I remained committed to my mission to allow all of my my feelings to have their say. I knew we weren’t finished.

Worry entered next. What if he’s not capable, what if my taking a stand causes excessive stress and breaks him, what if, what if, what if????? I told Worry she was welcome to come sit at the table with the others. After I heard them out, after they all had their pity party and were worn down from complaints, I opened the door to see who else wanted to come in. Sadness was lurking in the shadows, I invited her in. I felt Sadness in my heart and in the space below my heart. The heaviness caused pain, fatigue. Then I rested.

After having taken a restful break, I opened the door again and called out, “Who else needs to be heard?” They lined up, Jealously, (all the mother-in-laws get all the love, all the credit for helping, for being there - or in Qiqi’s case, the longing for them.). I was so tempted to shush her, to negate this ‘nasty’ feeling but that wasn’t the plan. No feeling was to be excluded. Fear strode in behind Jealousy, what if they shut me out of their lives entirely? Loneliness was close behind, who will I grow old with? Business and Urgency fought to rush in. We can distract all this chaos by focusing on something else, don’t get too caught up in what’s not important like relationships and feelings, just get busy, they chimed. Rejection and Resentment pulled up the rear but were not to be ignored. I welcomed them all in, beginning to feel weary.

That’s when I decided maybe it was too much for one day, maybe I need to take pause. Do I push on through this or do I step back for some perspective? Oh confusion is here too?! You are welcome at the table. I invited clarity in to sit beside confusion. That worked so well that I thought I’d try a few more polarity pairings.

I called in my trusted friends, the ones I love to hang out with to come to the table and add some equilibrium. Acceptance sat down beside aggravation and held her hand. Love sat down beside anger and put her arm around her tenderly and compassionately. Love is my superpower so she was also able to comfort Disrespect, and Frustration. Pause squeezed in between Business and Urgency to give them some space. Trust embraced Fear, Jealousy and Impatience. Gratitude rubbed the shoulders of Sadness. Kindness added to the comfort of Sadness; she felt relief. My heavy chest and belly relaxed. Loyalty surrounded Stupidity and Insecurity, they melted into her. Responsibility messaged the feet of both Worry and Guilt. Faith stood solid behind the chair of Loneliness. Shame, Inauthenticity, Rejection and Resentment all surrendered to Courage and Confidence. Forgiveness graced the entire table with a smile; she was well received.

Each emotions felt they had been seen and heard and every emotion was acknowledged as having a part to play. I felt filled with wholeness.

The atmosphere around the table began to change, to lighten, to soften. The conversation turned to cooperation and coherence, plans were made to support and encourage one another. No more exclusion, no more ignoring feelings as they pop up. Instead they crafted a plan to cultivate awareness in me, to help me be more alert, more confident in my ability to inhabit my body with ease and to allow ALL of them to flow through me.

I heard my biodynamics teacher softly encouraging me, “Stop trying,” she said. “What if, instead of shattering and breaking, you and those you love, burst and bloom?” “Health can never leave you.” She spoke with clear certainty. “Sitting with feelings for a few minutes and not turning away from the present feeling builds our capacity to expand into feeling deeper.” “When you are able to recognize what your body is trying to show you, it celebrates being seen.”

I have decided that I am done with surface surfing my feelings. I am ready to feel them deeper, more consistently, without panic, naturally allow them to guide me into appropriate action. The Highwomen said it right "I want a house with a crowded table. And bring us back together when the day is done."

Tomorrow (Wellness Wednesday) I will tackle Step 2 by identifying what I want for myself, allowing clarity to lead the process. Now that all my feeling are welcome to voice themselves, I don't expect all my days to be jolly. However, I do feel more equipped to ride the storm with greater confidence and a stronger sense of peace.